I Did It Only Once but I am Scared He Will Find Out

Maybe if I wasn’t lonely and yearning for affection, things wouldn’t have gotten out of hand. I am not trying to blame anyone for my choices. All I am saying is, that although everything that happened between us was consensual, I would have been able to resist him if I hadn’t been in a vulnerable place. This is what happened.

Last year, my boyfriend became busy all of a sudden. Phone calls became infrequent, and text messages started to feel like SMS alerts from network providers. I became worried. We had been together for four years without growing tired of each other, so why was it happening now? “Is there a new girl in the picture? Is she the one you are giving all your attention to?” I asked him.

My boyfriend told me, “There is no one else. Do you think I am like you? I don’t go about flirting with people knowing very well that I am in a committed relationship.” Of course, he had to go there. Let me take you further back. Two years into the relationship, there was a guy at my workplace who confessed that he had a crush on me. I told him I had a boyfriend and tried to put some distance between us.

Here lies the case where I work at the same office with the guy. How much distance could I have put between us? I tried to be friendly so things wouldn’t be awkward between us. But the guy made things more difficult. One day he texted me saying, “I know you have a boyfriend but can you tell me you love me? It will calm my heart after all the rejections you’ve given me.” I felt bad for him but I didn’t love him so I couldn’t do it.

When my boyfriend found out, it didn’t matter to him that I had tried so hard to cut the guy off. He said I was entertaining him. It’s not easy to completely ignore a work colleague but I did it to save my relationship. Despite that, my boyfriend never let the issue go completely. That’s why I wasn’t surprised when I asked him why he was unavailable all of a sudden and he brought up that issue again.

He said he had no one else but nothing about his behaviour changed. I started to feel lonely in the relationship. All I wanted was a little affection and someone to talk to. I have friends but everyone is busy living their lives. I couldn’t burden them with my emotional problems. Besides, I am not one to talk about my problems with others. That’s why I am hiding behind the shield of anonymity to do that here.

Anyway, somewhere in November last year, an old friend of mine reached out to me. He had just returned from military training. After catching up he said, “Queen, I have always been in love with you. I just never had the courage to come forth with my feelings.” I told him I was in a relationship and he said, “I know. I asked your cousins and they told me you are not single, but I have decided not to give up on you.” He kept worrying me that we should at least meet.

This was where my loneliness got the better of me. I caved and invited him over. I always believed myself to have restraint, but after a few touches, I gave myself to him. I regretted my actions the moment he started thrusting, so I asked him to stop. He stopped and apologized but I told him, “You don’t have to be sorry. It was consensual.”

Apart from that military guy, my boyfriend is the only man I have been with. I guess a part of me was curious to know if sex felt the same with everyone. And when he started and I realized it was the same, I asked him to stop. Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to justify my actions in any way. Only that I regret them.

I don’t talk to my military friend anymore. The last thing I want is for my boyfriend to find out about him. Knowing him, he would never let it go. For the past few weeks, he has been asking me to tell him if I had done anything against him. I always tell him, “No, I haven’t done anything.”

A few days ago, he told me, “My uncle said before we get married, I have to take you to a place in my hometown to check if you’ve ever cheated on me. So, if you’ve done it, let me know before it gets there.” Prior to that, he sent me a Facebook post about a woman who cheated on her man. His caption was, “The day I find out you did something like this, it’s over between us forever.”
Despite all our problems, I love him so much. I don’t want to lose him but what if he insists on taking me to his hometown before we get married? I am terrified. What do I do?

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